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My dad broke my heart before any boy ever had the chance. My heart had been broken, my doubts were created and the emptiness that lays within me today were made by the one man who who wasn't supposed to hurt me.
It was a hard concept to wrap my mind around then, but now I'm messed up that its even harder. I wont say that Im not mad anymore, because I am. Im so mad at him. Im mad that his mistakes to him... are meaningless. Like his actions aren't supposed to hurt me. They aren't supposed to cut deep or make me feel little. Im mad that my place in his life never impacted him so much that he didn't change. Im mad that what I feel, I cant express.
All these things after a while of trying to make sense of it all comes together for a second, and then its a huge clusterfuck the next minute. Its hard to deal with so much running around in my mind.


I want to so badly begin to tell more how I feel, but this page stays half full and I begin to understand that couldn't explain how I feel, any better.

Nonstop

Change is probably the worst I have ever gone through, just change after change after change. It always seems to find me, when I'm high but mostly when I'm low. I am aware that things could get worse, but sometimes I just wish it would stop. Completely stop. It is draining and over whelming. Most people think change is a good thing and in most circumstances it is. Just now, it isnt a good time. Especially for me. 

I grew up in the normal split level house from the ages 1-7. Had the best child hood ever there and till this day I don't think I could forget the memories I produced in that house with my sister and neighborhood bestfriends. That house will always bring me this feeling that's so unexplainable, but I will never forget it. When third grade came, my family decided to move. We moved into the typical cookie cutter house about 10 minutes west of where we had previously lived. So not too far. When we moved there, I recalll this feeling that I previously had. It was the emptiest feeling. Of course I was only 7, but some how I knew it was gonna be hard getting used to. The feeling of knowing this is a BRAND new start to a life you had no idea, was coming. I remember the first night staying in this huge house, I was so scared of the empty space surrounding me. I'm not sure if it was because I wasn't used to the spacious grounds, or I just wanted my old room back. The one me and my sister shared growing up, or the tiny living room we used to wait for my dad to come home at night and scare us in. I was 7. I didn't know what the feeling was. But now that I have moved out of that big house into a much smaller appartment with my mom, those feelings flood me. They have over whelmed me and exhausted me. I don't know what I wouldn't give to go back there. I would trade anything to go back to living such a wonderful life there, in that house before everything slowly but surely fell apart. I would have never guessed that, that house wouldn't be my family's one day, let alone did it ever cross my mind that  my family, well.... Wouldn't be a family any more. It is the worst feeling ever. I have a really difficult time just accepting that we had no other options and that, the good is still to come and it can't rain for ever. 

I went from having no stress at all, to having it come all at once. From not struggling with school to almost wanting  to drop out because of the difficulties. From no job to, two jobs. I have all these things spinning me around and I mentally can't make it stop. 

Being in such a bad place in my life, with all these changes has been one of the hardest things I've been through not just physically, but emotionaly. I have talked to myself trying to make sense of it all probably more than I have talked to another person. So this is my question.. When does it get better, how I do I make the best out of it, and will I ever see the light in life again? 

Sappy sorry circling love

How someone can make you so happy and want to make you pull your hair out just makes me crazy. How you wanna spend every second with them but not wanna see their face at all. Missing their voice but getting annoyed of what comes out. I just don't get it. Everyone always says love is something you'll never really figure out and I've came to conclusion that, that is the cold truth and no one can really explain why someone means sooo much to you but you still feel like you're missing something. 

I grew up from parents that never taught me how to love unconditionally. When one was mad they left. They never stayed to fix things. And I watched that every time an argument came up and things got out of hand. They just left. Something was always wrong. Countless time I watched them storm out the front door, slam the car door shut and speed off into god knows where. I'm not saying I'm traumatized from this but it effects you more than sometimes you think it does. When I was 7 and this was happening I never thought "Wow in 11 years I may be acting the same way" but i also didn't think 11 years later my parents would end up divorced and my family would fall apart so quickly. That's why I'm not surprised I act the way I do. I totally convinced myself i was crazy for a good 6 months. I always told myself "I'll never end up like them" but as I'm sitting here writing this and thinking about how I act in my current relationship, I have developed similar behavior. For an example, I always jump to a break up, or I'm always the first to walk away. I can say "whatever" a million times and I curse too much. I feel so horrible when this happens but it's all I've known. I watched it play out year after year and why I don't know that it's not okay to act like that, I have no clue. I'm sure we all have some sort of behavior we hope not to inherit from our parents at some point in our life, but what do we do. We don't live in a world where we have 30 minutes to think about what to say when in an argument. Something about messing up makes me content about flaws within life. How to deal with a mistake or something mean that came out of your mouth takes effort. Sometimes you need to mess up a couple times to realize that, it is out of charcter to behave so badly. 

I have been told "Awarness" is key, but personally I think it's nonsense. I know my parents actions were horrible, I know half of the things they did (cheat, haveing another child, gamble savings, lying, & living secrets life) were uncalled for and forbidden in any bible, I am aware but I have acted in a way they both have and I am not proud. I personally thinks it's a chemical embalance of the brain. Some may call it insanity too, which I'm fine with but thinking about my actions recently really drive me nuts. Being aware that my parents have lied doesn't stop me from lying? Should it? Yes, or maybe no? Who honestly knows? Removing this problem is difficult, because I unfortunately don't know how to. I've spent more time talking to myself on how to act less and less like my parents than I think is healthy and so far it's only drove me crazy. I don't think I'll be getting answers any time soon. I know over thinking things is never a good thing but is not knowing why ur doing something constantly, good either? 

This may be talking in circles but I'm truly trying to get my thoughts out in a whole story. Maybe just trying to make sense of everything. 

You're going to make it

Without struggle you don't know how good, good is. Don't wait to watch this. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=isssN524e_I&sns=tw

http://kylererickson.com for more information about kyler and him over coming his battle. 

Such a beginner

I always have wanted to start a little blog, but never had the push or even confidence to get one going, but here I am starting one because why the hell not.  

Recently I have been really hungry for god. I have been craving answers about a lot of unknown things, dealing with a lot of emotional issues, and struggling with trying to find myself. I have made some really irrational choices this past month that have made me feel oddly but surely changed. I don't know if this "changed" feeling is good one or bad either. I came home from Germany 2 1/2 weeks early. I changed my mind about where I wanted to go to college. I have been the queen of getting mixed feelings about a lot of people that I thought I'd keep around forever, and in order to understand these things I talk for minutes on end to god, trying to find answers. Comes to find out, I haven't found out the reasons for them or answers, only reassurance that god is among me at the lowest points when I think he isn't. I draw a card a day after I'm done talking to god from a deck called "72 names of god" believe it or not but these cards truly speak to me in the craziest most fascinating ways. These are my answers for now, and as my faith is carried on through my college life I know I will soak more and more knowledge about him. I don't think my hunger for god or answers will ever be satisfied. 

This morning I met a good friend for coffee. We talked for over 2 hours and there was still much more to catch up with. We talked about religion, boys, drama filled girls and all the little things in between. I told her that I was having troubles with my words when I spoke to people. I told her that speaking to people who degraded me was something I had troubles with. We all know that dropping down to someone's level when in an argument was never a good thing. Of course she understood, but I still didn't know why I could never word what I had to say correctly. I came to realization after our catching up session that I wasn't alone. To feel like you're not alone is probably one of the greatest feelings without even knowing it. My friend and I have known each other for a little over 3 years. We don't speak to each other every day and probably only see each other once or if we're lucky twice a month. We don't tell each other every little detail of our days, have the same lifestyle, or talk to the same people but we know we are both at the same peek in our lives. It's a weird thing. We both get each other, and both respect each other's view on things. As the conversation came to an end, I begged her to draw a card with me. She drew "Water- With this name I purify the waters of the earth and awaken the forces of healing and immortality" from the description she thought it meant she needed to invest the waters with her educated knowledge about god. As she did just return from a mission trip from Uganda. Maybe even to expand her faith and show people it's not hard. On the other hand my card was "Speak the right words" my jaw dropped and I began to find my answer of the day. The card read, "I silence my ego. Push the mute bottom. Now I call upon the Light to speak on my behalf, on all occasions, so that my every word elevates my soul and all existence" My good friend is my answer for today. She is a person who gets it. Who knows what it's like to be confused and scared not wanting to necessarily elaborate on the topic of your own life/ troubles but still wanting some sort of help trying to figure out the huge picture he's created for us.