Recently I have been really hungry for god. I have been craving answers about a lot of unknown things, dealing with a lot of emotional issues, and struggling with trying to find myself. I have made some really irrational choices this past month that have made me feel oddly but surely changed. I don't know if this "changed" feeling is good one or bad either. I came home from Germany 2 1/2 weeks early. I changed my mind about where I wanted to go to college. I have been the queen of getting mixed feelings about a lot of people that I thought I'd keep around forever, and in order to understand these things I talk for minutes on end to god, trying to find answers. Comes to find out, I haven't found out the reasons for them or answers, only reassurance that god is among me at the lowest points when I think he isn't. I draw a card a day after I'm done talking to god from a deck called "72 names of god" believe it or not but these cards truly speak to me in the craziest most fascinating ways. These are my answers for now, and as my faith is carried on through my college life I know I will soak more and more knowledge about him. I don't think my hunger for god or answers will ever be satisfied.
This morning I met a good friend for coffee. We talked for over 2 hours and there was still much more to catch up with. We talked about religion, boys, drama filled girls and all the little things in between. I told her that I was having troubles with my words when I spoke to people. I told her that speaking to people who degraded me was something I had troubles with. We all know that dropping down to someone's level when in an argument was never a good thing. Of course she understood, but I still didn't know why I could never word what I had to say correctly. I came to realization after our catching up session that I wasn't alone. To feel like you're not alone is probably one of the greatest feelings without even knowing it. My friend and I have known each other for a little over 3 years. We don't speak to each other every day and probably only see each other once or if we're lucky twice a month. We don't tell each other every little detail of our days, have the same lifestyle, or talk to the same people but we know we are both at the same peek in our lives. It's a weird thing. We both get each other, and both respect each other's view on things. As the conversation came to an end, I begged her to draw a card with me. She drew "Water- With this name I purify the waters of the earth and awaken the forces of healing and immortality" from the description she thought it meant she needed to invest the waters with her educated knowledge about god. As she did just return from a mission trip from Uganda. Maybe even to expand her faith and show people it's not hard. On the other hand my card was "Speak the right words" my jaw dropped and I began to find my answer of the day. The card read, "I silence my ego. Push the mute bottom. Now I call upon the Light to speak on my behalf, on all occasions, so that my every word elevates my soul and all existence" My good friend is my answer for today. She is a person who gets it. Who knows what it's like to be confused and scared not wanting to necessarily elaborate on the topic of your own life/ troubles but still wanting some sort of help trying to figure out the huge picture he's created for us.
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